The endless list.

Do you ever really think about how messed up it is that culturally we indoctrinate women into constantly shopping to fill the empty void we create with our perfectionistic expectations, and then proceed to shame and mock women for enjoying shopping? And then how shopping is generally coded as a specific trait or activity of frivolous, bimbo, airheaded, stupid, silly women and girls?

And yeah, maybe shopping for clothes and makeup as a hobby or recreational activity can be frivolous, but also, shopping correctly not just for yourself but for everyone and everything needed to run a household is an incredibly large amount of constant work! That work is mental, emotional and physical and it is endless.

I never considered this so much before I had a kid. Now that I do, and I have found myself the default parent in charge of her wardrobe and accessories, I realize that keeping track of what she has, what's clean, what's torn or mendable, what’s good enough to hand down to friends vs donate or sell, what she's recently growing out of and growing into, what is seasonally appropriate and appropriate for the activities she has going on—all of this is a constant process just going and going in my mind, a process I am not actually capable of turning off! I guess the only way I would be capable of turning it off would be if someone else officially took over this duty and then demonstrated to me for a couple of months that they were really doing it. Then I might relax and let go of the reins.

I should state for the public record that I'm not personally upset about this. In my particular individual instance, I volunteered for this duty and for the most part I enjoy it. I enjoy thinking about and providing for my daughter and family in this way. I enjoy shopping for the most part. I enjoy looking at and picking out adorable, tiny clothes and shoes. I pride myself on being very good at recycling and rehoming items that we no longer need by giving them to friends, or strangers I meet on the Internet, or selling for cash the especially nice items that are worth the effort. These are all tasks I know how to do and I'm very good at them and I feel good that I'm providing a lot of value to my family in this way. Blah blah.

All that said: Does anyone who is not responsible for this really have any inkling of the amount of labor that it takes? They don’t, right?

I think of moms, everywhere around the world, deep in their own heads. Especially moms with the means and cultural expectations that they keep their children outfitted in clean, age appropriate, fashionable clothing that maps to their different lifestyle and activities. I dropped my daughter off at school towards the end of last summer and noticed for the millionth time that her toes were not just close to the edge, but starting to poke over the front of her favorite pink shiny sandals. I dreaded the moment of negotiation where I would have to gently take those sandals away from her because they are just too small and no longer OK for her to wear. We could push a little longer, but truly, they were too small already. I worry that she will stub her toe or hurt herself running and tripping in them.

Health and safety aside, the social consequences weigh heaviest on…moms. No one is judging the dads if their kids aren’t dressed correctly — they’re judging the moms. I worry that other people will see her feet and judge me and blame me for not keeping my child in appropriate shoes that fit.

Beyond the ambient social policing, there are (naturally) individual preferences. I worry about finding something that will fit that she will like as well that she won't complain about wearing. I wondered if I could just get through this summer and then wait until next year to buy new sandals because the weather might change and there's nothing more frustrating than buying your kid shoes and then having them outgrow those shoes before they even get to wear them. (Dear reader, I caved: I bought new sandals and she happily wore them immediately. Crisis averted, but not before hours of thought and effort went into the issue, a domestic drama that played out in my mind only.)

Doing the shopping—so often a female-coded activity—is an essential and truly skilled part of raising a family and running a household. Is it because this activity is often performed by women that we as a society denigrate it so harshly? Just another one of the list of skills that women exercise, primarily unpaid?

I’m aware I have only barely touched on the shopping for clothing and kid stuff, but of course there’s food, and medicine, and cleaning supplies, and every other goddamn thing. When you tally up the labor you do for your home, your family life, “just” this task can easily balloon and feel endless, especially during the end of year holiday marathon and orgy of consumerism in which we currently swim (or drown).

If you don’t like doing it, here’s your sign to make the invisible a bit more visible, and either consciously do less or...renegotiate.

Creative juice

I’ve been spending a lot of time researching artists and designers for an exciting seeeecret project that I can’t wait to share with you soon, but not yet. For now, here’s some art I saw and loved this month. Happy holidays! Careful not to fall into the Void!